LAUGHTER SECTION
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BUSTED(
don't use your mouth_ kissfm )
The Word F****
Commercials Funny as
Hell
CHURCH MOMENTS
WALK IT OUT GRANNY
DON'T SLEEP AT WORK
WOMEN SHOULD ALWAYS GO FIRST
A Kenyan guy goes into a bar in Boston, Massachusetts. Maria, the Kenyan barmaid, takes his order and notices his Kenyan accent.
Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed. Maria is trying to pay her way through graduate school by working many hours at the restaurant and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again, and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.
She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees. This goes on for 5 nights, with him paying her $200 every morning. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. Maria is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from.
"Nairobi" he replies. "So am I" she says. "What suburb in Nairobi?" "Mugoya Estate" he says. "That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what phase?" "Phase 2" he says. "This is unbelievable" she says," what number?" He says "Number 1020" and she is astonished.
"You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 1022 and my parents still live there!"
"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up
on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop. For a second
everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said:
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights
out of me!?
The passenger apologized and said,
"I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied,
Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver -
I've been driving a mortuary van for the last 25 years."
Subject: Kids are too quick.
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
________________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
ONLY Kenyans.......
1. Are engaged for
5 years or more
2. Never bother to divorce, they just separate
3. Are late to church, work, and everything else EXCEPT when the disco is free before 9pm
4. Refer to diabetes as 'SUGAR'
5. Show up at weddings, showers, graduation, birthday parties with a new outfit on with nails and hair done but no gift
6. In relation to #5, they eat like parking boys and take a plate home
7. Consider 'clubbing' or 'henging' as a monthly expense
8. Leave bills (instead of insurance money) behind for surviving relatives.
9. Borrow money for a wedding.
10. have mothers who can use curse words and religion ALL IN ONE SENTENCE e.g. "Lord, give me strength because I'm about to knock the hell out of this child"
11. spend the car insurance money on everything EXCEPT getting the dent fixed.
12. invite co-workers and all of their friends to their child's 1st birthday party which happens to have a professional DJ with only about 3 kid (including the child) in attendance. And then expect the guests to "changa" for the bash.
13. Start every sentence with "Me I..."e.g. "ME I donno why you are saying that I always say 'Me I'.
14. Say 'Spend' when they are staying the night elsewhere from home, e.g. "Are you going to spend at her place?"
15. Put in iron rods in all windows and main doors ...referring to them as ''Burglar''
16. Use "Ngai" as an exclamation mark e.g. "Ngai, what are you doing?"
17. Believe "Ati" is an English word for "What?"
18. Think it is cool to drink and drive and get away with it "I don't know how I got home that day..the way I was soo drunk!"
19. Think all their economic and social problems are caused by "Moi" when in fact some have never been to school.
20. Pack up all their earthly goods to go to "shaggs" for a week in December, only to pack them all back again after that one week and return to "Tao"
21. Call travelling "flying out" e.g. She flew out (no one ever seems to wonder where all these Kenyans fly to)
22. Think that taking a clerical job in a company is better and "cooler" than toiling in their parents' family business.
23. Prefer washing cars and dishes in USA to toiling in their 20-acre tea farms in Kenya .
24. Call their homes "at ours". e.g., "At ours, we eat Githeri every day"
25. Complain for five years about poor governance and corruption then vote in the same clowns back to parliament.
26. Have a chief Justice who has no law degree!
27. Go on strike for one day and expect the govt. to resign!
28. Sit back in their homes and expect their MP to "bring Development"
29. Refuse to insure against anything and expect you to bankroll them when calamity strikes... thro' Harambee.
30. Sit calmly and sometimes cheer as a mad man drives them in a ramshackle at breakneck speed to certain death.
31. Drive with their windows wound up when they get to city centre because of 4-year-old brats armed with human feaces, and still claim to be free people!
Sounds so true, eh? I hope you are still Kenyan by all standards.
Me, I am Kenyan DAMU!!!!
